I Started IVF Today
I officially started our first round of IVF today in hopes of conceiving a second child. Our first baby was born in 2018, a healthy baby girl that was also created through the magic of science. I have previously written about existing in a state of disbelief that we were doing this again. This morning, as I blearily popped the first dose of Progynova at 6 am, it dawned on me that this really was happening.
When you go through infertility you learn to never get your hopes up. Too many things can go wrong. The entire experience is fraught with uncertainty and doubt. It’s really hard to trust the process and it also makes you distrustful of your body. After all, it’s the thing that is failing you in your attempts to get pregnant.
I’m trying to have a different mindset this go around, but it can be difficult.
Mental Gymnastics
It took one round of IVF to become pregnant with our daughter. I feel incredibly grateful and I don’t take it for granted that we were lucky. Because of this luck, I feel somehow that the universe is going to make this go around much, much harder. It is as though I feel like I’m going to be punished for having had a successful round.
I also worry that it will work and then we will lose the baby. I know this isn’t a worry solely felt by the infertile, but here we are. I’ve never miscarried but having followed infertility writers for years I have come to understand the trauma inherent to miscarriages. The thought of coming so close and losing it — he or she — fills me with dread.
…and yet there it is. Somewhere in the back of my mind — a tiny whisper. What if it works?
Thanks for reading.
